


If It's With You, For Just a Moment I'll Be Selfish

by StardustPages



Series: Widobrave Week Winter 2020 [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dancing, F/M, First Kisses, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, These two really need to talk I swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27932983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StardustPages/pseuds/StardustPages
Summary: On the night of a celebration in honor of the Mighty Nein instilling a period of peace in the Empire and Dynasty alike, Veth and Caleb are left running out of time to face their feelings and what they've been running from all along: each other. Day 1 of Widobrave Week: Dancing.
Relationships: Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, Nott | Veth Brenatto/Caleb Widogast
Series: Widobrave Week Winter 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045395
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	If It's With You, For Just a Moment I'll Be Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> One day I will have a fic for Widobrave Week up on it's assigned day...that day will not be today. When I tell you I put more effort into this than one of my finals for university...I mean it. Either way, here is my take on the first prompt of Widobrave Week Winter 2020. I hope you enjoy! Apologies for any errors, my proofreading can only get me so far...

Widobrave Week Day 1: Dancing

* * *

It had all started with an invitation.

Nothing too extravagant, a simple gathering according to Ludinus’ message. A party to celebrate the apparent period of peace that would soon be in affect after the efforts of the Mighty Nein had finally taken hold across the nation. It felt as if the entire Empire were finally able to release a breath that it had held in for so long, hoping, praying that the day would come when life would return to normal.

It’s a ball to celebrate change, _good_ change, a time where there is nothing to fight, nothing to fear, nowhere else to go but home. It’s good, _really._

But if the world is letting out a sigh of relief…why does Veth feel like she can hardly breathe?

At first Veth tried to apply logic to the situation and reasoned it must be the dress. Jester had insisted that if a ball was going to be thrown in their honor, then of course they were all going to have to get new clothes with the remaining funds that they had.

After all, according to Jester, “We need to have the best night possible you guys!”

And at the time, Veth had been completely on board. Who wouldn’t be? Beautiful, fancy outfits that would make the Nein looks fantastic for everyone else to see? Of course! That sounds like a great idea!

Or so Veth had thought. But now, standing here in front of the mirror in her tower room, draped in her golden ballgown covered in little stars, buttons adorning her neck on their thin strings, she felt less like a defender of a great nation and instead…more like a commoner who has been given the chance at one fine night at a ball before POOF! It’s all gone forever.

Maybe she’s just being dramatic…

Or maybe she’s just finally forced to face the truth.

It had hit her all at once the night before, when Yeza had gone to tuck Luc into bed and Veth had been left alone in the living room of their apartment for the first time since the Nein had gotten back into Nicodranas that morning.

Where she had expected to feel a sense of warmth, comfort and belonging…instead everything felt a little too distant, too unfamiliar…

Like she was a guest in her own home.

Which was ridiculous, right?! This was her _home_ , this was where she belonged! Everything she had done up to this point was so that she could be right here in this moment, back where she was destined to be, mother, wife, at home and at peace.

_Right?_

It was almost funny at first, to be sitting in silence. If she truly thought about it, it had been forever since she had been forced to call silence a close friend, and it had been even longer since she had been truly alone for even just a moment. Being with the Mighty Nein will do that to you, surround you with laughter and noise and constant company so that you never feel lonely. Never a moment to be left alone with your thoughts.

_Like Veth was right now…_

Something akin to shame had filled her chest that night, sitting alone in the parlor for the first time in what could have been forever. After all, everyone was happy, everyone was at peace there was nothing to worry about, nothing on a minute level at least. Everything was fine, _is_ fine! She should be happy!

_Why wasn’t she happy?_

It felt like she had been blindsided by the reality of her situation despite it being right here the whole time.

That apartment was where she was supposed to be, a place she was meant to call home that she had no part in buying save for the funds used to purchase it, a home that was far too close to the sea for her liking, a place that held traces and remnants of the ones who lived within it, Yeza’s papers and equipment covering spots on the table and floor, Luc’s toys scattered across the entryway, several of his arrows lodged in the doorframes.

 _That_ home belonged to a family of halflings, to a chemist and his son and if anyone where to look inside _that_ is what they would see. A family of two, living a stable, secure, comfortable life.

What someone would not see, are pieces and fragments of the chaotic woman that had led Yeza and Luc towards this new lifestyle, the woman who had up to this point acted like _this_ was what she wanted, where she needed to be.

When in reality, Veth had absolutely no clue what it was she truly wanted.

Caduceus’ advice of meditation can only get someone so far when their mind is never silent, never still long enough for Veth to stop questioning every choice she makes, her brain demanding answers to questions she’s too scared to even think about, questions that had sent her mind spiraling the entire way as she ran from that place she was meant to call home, back to this tower, back to the Mighty Nein, knowing very well that after tonight she would have to face her actions and the future head on.

She would have no choice but to find the answers for those horrid questions that have ravaged her brain for so long. Questions such as:

_How could she bear to be away from home for so long?_

_Why are you dreading something you claimed you wanted more than anything else?_

_You brought your family around the empire on the equivalent of a glorified field trip and then proceeded to leave them behind time and time again, and you thought that was okay?_

_What kind of a person does that make you? Is that what you call making it work? For who? Your family? What, so they can finally have the wife and mother they need?_

_Or so you can feel less guilty about what you truly want?_

_*Knock knock*_

With a swift rap on the door Veth is quickly thrown from her thoughts and the continuing spiral that had swallowed her whole the night before. Tugging on her dress once more in front of the mirror, she quickly makes her way to the locked door, a swift decision she had made last night upon arriving at the tower’s hidden entrance within the Lavish Chateau.

What with the ceaseless knocking from her fellow worried adventurers, the only thing Veth could think to do at the time was to lock the door and slip as far as she could into the darkness of her bedroom, a bedroom that felt too large, too empty.

She was only locking it as a safety precaution, at least that was the reason she told herself when the voices in the back of her head called her a coward, a fool, a liar. Precautionary actions are adventuring 101, because you just never know!

_A precaution from what? Being seen? By who? What are you hiding from? Aren’t you supposed to be brave?!_

Veth sighs, turning the lock before slowly opening the door, her face once more shifting into the mask she has come to know too well, the look of manufactured happiness, a look that can show no regret, no fear.

 _If only they knew the truth_ …

As Veth tilts her head up from where her eyes have been trained on the floor, one hand messing with the loose waves of her hair as she brushes them back over her shoulder, she is surprised to see standing in her doorway not Jester as she had expected, what with the agreed upon time for the Nein’s arrival at the ball in Rexxentrum drawing closer…

But rather instead of her beloved tiefling friend, Veth found herself gazing up into the trepidatious eyes of a rather different beloved friend, though labeling him as a friend was almost a laughable act at this point, as too much complex history and tension has built up between the two to ever label him with such a distant, simple title again.

 _A work in progress_ , he had called it. Their relationship, their _family_ , this _thing_ that exists between them that surely the rest of the Nein can see, something that no one dares speak upon, knowing that this if something were ever to come of this, then surely it was going to have to be discussed between the two of them at some point for better or worse…

Now if only they could just have the courage to finally do something about it.

But “if onlys” will only get a person so far, and Caleb Widogast was not a man of if’s, with him it was only a matter of _when_.

When he will make a choice and follow through with it, gamble with something no one would have ever seen coming or create something magnificent through his magic, fantastical towers and transformative spells of the like no one would have ever thought possible prior to meeting this enigmatic wizard…The Nein have traveled together for quite a while now and Caleb still found ways to keep them on their toes, to keep the others guessing as to what their wizard friend might discover next, and what he may in turn bring into reality.

And yet, despite all the mystery that surrounds him to this day, it takes a lot for Caleb to surprise Veth anymore.

With the time they spent together on the road and the level of closeness and sincerity that developed between them, Caleb Widogast was a man that Veth could confidently claim she knew backwards and forwards. What he desires, who he aspires to be, what haunts him, what grounds him and keeps him going…Veth knows it all. Every idea, every face of his is ingrained permanently into her mind, and Veth doesn’t even have Caleb’s perfect memory!

It is with this thought in mind that Veth feels like she can finally take a breath for the first time in days, her relentless ability to easily determine what Caleb is secretly thinking, to see his many faces, his many masks and be able to tell which one is real quickly putting her at ease. After all, _that_ is what Veth can honestly claim is one of her greatest accomplishments ever since they began traveling together, or at least she’d like to believe that it to be.

Which is why it feels like a knife to the stomach every time their eyes meet across a room and Veth is faced with the confusing challenge of trying to determine what _that_ face means. What Caleb’s eyes are hiding, and what his scrunched up eyebrows and pained smile might represent…

_Is something troubling him? Should I ask? Should he tell the Nein? Is it about the Assembly? Was it his past? Why can’t I make any sense of that face he is wearing? What hurt him enough to cause him to make that face?_

And why do I have a sneaky suspicion that it’s _me_?

_And if so…why must the thought of me cause you so much pain? What have I done? What can I do? Please…just say something…anything!”_

Veth leans forwards, staring pointedly up at Caleb as he appears almost frozen in space, staring at both her and partially into the void as his eyes seem to have glazed over in an instant upon taking Veth in.

“Um…hello Caleb…”

He jolted to attention in an instant, eyes blinking rapidly as he takes in a sharp breath, quickly moving to run a single hand through his hair, unknowingly roughing it up to the point that strands began to cascade out of the hair tie keeping it all contained, coming to rest as a perfect frame for his face.

 _He looks very handsome,_ Veth thinks, in his dark purple suit with its red accents, running like swirls of magic up the insides of his coat.

It suits him, and if she was being honest, there really was nothing better in Veth’s eyes than seeing Caleb be confident in something that the man she once met so long ago would have shied away from like the plague. It’s wonderful to be able to visibly see the change in him, to watch him let himself be seen.

And Veth would know, what with the many quick glances she sends his way when he is paying her no mind… _like right now apparently._

It’s the swift recollection of what her current situation looks like that startles Veth back to attention, quickly shutting down _that_ train of thought before she digs herself too deep.

It seemed as though Caleb had come back to himself as well, as he clears his throat awkwardly before he starts to speak. “H-hallo, I just wanted to stop by to see if you were ready to go. It’s almost time after all…”

Veth looked out over Caleb’s shoulder into the main hallway that connected their two rooms. “Are the others not with you?”

A flush of pink made its way onto Caleb’s cheeks, “Ah no, actually the others are already at the venue.”

Veth paused, confusion clear on her face, “Did they leave without waiting for us? That wasn’t really the plan, I thought we were all supposed to go together.”

Caleb let out a breath before seemingly steadying himself where he stood. “I know…and that’s why I told them to go.”

“Why would you do that? Don’t you want to spend time with the rest of the Nein?”

Caleb nodded slowly before taking a step forward “I do, but do you know what I would like to do even more than that?”

Veth couldn’t stop her heart from beating faster at his words, her eyes remaining transfixed on Caleb’s, her voice coming out in a breathy whisper, “What?”

“I’d rather be here to give you this.”

The speed at which Caleb closes the distance between them is shocking to Veth to say the least, but more so is the boldness of his actions and what he says next.

In the time it took Veth to blink, Caleb was on his knees in front of her, placing something ever so gently onto Veth’s head. Then as quickly as he had gotten closer to her, he pulled away, back towards the door, putting space between them, between whatever _this_ was.

Veth raised a hand slowly to touch this new object that had come to rest on her head, and her heart nearly skips a beat when she recognizes the feeling of leaves and petals. Realizing all at once the weight of the gift bestowed upon her, Veth pulled it down to look at it more in depth.

There before her eyes, was a flower crown of golden and purple hues, flowers she hadn’t seen since long ago, back when things were simpler, back when a goblin and a dirty wizard was all they were, when survival was all that had mattered until it didn’t, until it was less about survival…and more about _them_ , more about doing whatever it takes to stay together, no matter what.

“Where did you get this?” Veth whispered.

“I made it.”

Veth’s eyes widened, “With magic? Or-”

One look at the man and Veth could tell that Caleb was trying desperately to look anywhere but at her, “No, no. I may have made a quick pit stop up towards Shady Creek. I know it may not look the greatest, certainly not as beautiful as the flowers you have braided into my hair in the past, but I can assure you, Veth, that even when you leave this place, it will still be there.”

A smile made itself at home on Veth’s face, pushing the mask she so often felt forced to wear nowadays to the side.

It was so easy with him, she realized, to live in the moment, to abandon all fear, to smile, to live. But how could she possibly say that, without ruining whatever _this_ is?

How does one even ease their way into discussing what Caleb being here, what this gift, what everything that has happened between them truly means? How could she do it?

But with everything on the line, and tonight perhaps being their last night together…

How could she not?

Veth took a step forward, lifting the skirt of her dress to make her way towards the door, towards the man who continues to occupy her every thought. Once she reaches him, Veth takes a deep breath and brakes through the invisible barrier that so often keeps them apart lately. Closing her arms around his middle, she grips Caleb close as she gives him a tight hug. “Thank you.”

A light hand makes its way to squeeze the exposed skin of her shoulder, “For what?”

“ _This_. The tower. Everything. I’ve never said it enough, but I can’t even begin to explain how much it means for you to give so much of your time, time that I know is so precious to you, to _me_. I am so grateful for having you at my side every step of the way, never judging me, always treating me as your equal, showing me the respect I at one time could never show myself,”

“I would have never wanted it any other way. You have made me want to improve and take pride in myself, made me see my worth, the power I have, whether that be magically or just through me being myself, things I never thought I would ever do. I am standing here today partly because of your kindness but also because you have always been here, always listened. So, thank you, Caleb. Words will never be enough to describe what all of this…what you mean to me.”

Veth could feel the instant Caleb’s breath jolted with the end of her speech, his arms coming to rest around Veth, holding her closer than he had in what felt like forever.

She could never tell you how long they stood there, not moving, scarcely breathing, just taking each other in, two people becoming one as they tried to get as close to each other as possible, having been deprived of each other’s company, each other’s touch for so long, and for what? The desire to keep things the same? To never change out of fear of becoming something new? Fear of growing apart? The time they had with each other was so short, why waste a second of it?

With nothing left to lose, why not take a risk?

Why should they let fear rule their lives, when all the bravery they will ever need they have found by each other’s sides?

Caleb let out a sigh, moving to place the flower crown back onto Veth’s head, letting his hands trail their way down her face, his palms coming to rest softly on both of her cheeks as he looked her in the eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Veth opened her eyes for the first time in what could have been minutes but felt like hours, lightly laughing, “Why are you sorry?”

Veth could merely watch as a look of guilt made it’s way onto Caleb’s face, his thumb making small circles on her cheek as Caleb dared not look away, “I lied to you.”

Veth froze. Shakily, her hands come to rest on top of Caleb’s, her fear of Caleb’s words making itself known through the tilt of her voice, “W-what?”

Caleb’s eyes were trained firmly on the floor between them, his own voice shaking with every word, “I didn’t tell the Nein to leave without us so that I could give you the flower crown.”

For what felt like the hundredth time that evening, Veth’s eyes are wrought with confusion as she tries to place meaning in what Caleb had said. “You didn’t? Then why-“

“Because it was the only way I could excuse the fact that all I want is you. To be here, with you by my side. If not for forever, then at least for this moment.”

“Caleb I-I don’t understand…”

Caleb slowly leaned forward, causing the distance between the two to become nothing more than millimeters as his forehead rests against hers. “You know, a while ago Yasha gave me some good advice, that if I truly cared about someone I should let them know while I still have the chance, and I had told her there was no use…that it was too late. And at the time I had truly believed that.”

Veth’s eyes never left Caleb’s, even as his breathing became ragged, even when she felt like he might come apart in her hands, “And now?”

Veth watches as what looks like resolve settles itself on Caleb’s face, his eyes locking on to hers, his breath mingling with her own as he whispers, “I don’t know if I really care. I want to bend time to my will, if not to change the past, then to have every minute, every second with you that I can. I can grow to accept being too late for many things, Veth Brenatto…but not if it’s you. Never you.”

Veth felt herself shudder, a thrill seeping its way into her bones. She had never thought…she had never dreamed that he would-and yet…

Caleb’s head swiftly came down to rest upon Veth’s shoulder, his hands still cupping her face so softly it felt as if they were hardly there, but even so…they were. He was real, they both were, here in this moment, teetering on the edge of something terrifying in its own right, but something that Veth could no longer deny she wanted, oh how she wanted it, more than anything else.

She felt Caleb’s words more so than she heard them, his breath leaving patches of warmth upon her skin, “I…I know I cannot ask you to stay. I am a selfish man, and try as I might I cannot help but want to be deeply selfish when it comes to you. And so although I cannot ask, I can say that there is no universe that is worth living in if I cannot know you are safe, if I cannot know that you are happy. It is easier to breathe with you here, to know without a doubt that the other half of my soul is still by my side. There is nothing I want more that to have the ability to see you every day, to keep you close. I can’t ask…I shouldn’t…and yet…”

In one swift motion, Caleb raises his head, leaning forward to fill Veth’s entire vision, so that all that exists in this moment is Veth and Caleb, Caleb and Veth, as it always has been…as it always should be.

Once more their breaths become one, and Veth could swear that pressed chest to chest, she could feel their heartbeats beating in time, a steady rhythm of two people who know each other better than anyone else, people who share the same heart, the same mind, and as she was learning…perhaps even the same desires.

“Please…,” Caleb whispers, “Please stay here. With us. With _me._ ”

Veth can’t help the light chuckle of awe that escapes her lips, her hands slowly finding their way up into the fiery hair of this man who was once a stranger in a cell, and now…

_Good gods how could she have ever thought she could be happy living a life without him in it???_

“You want me to stay here? With you?”

“More than anything.”

“Then it’s a good thing that there’s nowhere else I plan on going.”

Caleb froze. “W-what?”

“You asked me to stay, and I want to stay. _Here_. With _you_. So that settles it. I’m staying.”

Caleb laughs, the first laugh she has heard from him in a while, and in an incredulous tone exclaims, “That’s really it?! No big discourse? Surely that can’t be right. Why would you want to stay here when all you ever wanted is right out there?”

“But what if what I want isn’t out there? What if I’ve realized that what I truly want is right here in this tower? What if it’s right in front of me?”

It’s Caleb’s turn to look at her in shock, his heartbeat becoming erratic as something akin to fear and hope merge together in his eyes, “You want…me?”

Veth quite literally rolls her eyes, an affectionate smile taking shape on her face, “Are you kidding? Caleb Widogast I have literally been in love with you since the very beginning. Of course I want you, how could I not?”

“I can think of plenty of reasons why that is a horrible idea and I-”

“And I reject each of your submissions to this cause because I’m afraid they won’t change my mind. I loved you before I found out about your past and who you are, Caleb, and I love you even more now. You may not share my opinion of you, but that doesn’t mean how I feel about you isn’t real, isn’t true. I will say it as many times as it takes until you believe me,”

“I love you, Caleb Widogast,” she whispers, “My heart has been, and will forever be, yours. And I know you don’t feel the same but I-”

Veth has seen the many faces of Caleb Widogast, from grief, to anger, to joy after learning a new spell. Yet despite knowing this man better than she knows herself, there are still moments where he leaves her breathless…like right now, when the only thing Veth can see on Caleb’s face is one emotion: Love.

“Veth the Brave, there is not a single universe to be found within the Dynasty’s beacons where my heart does not irrevocably and eternally belong to you. I never thought I would have the right to love someone else, nor that anyone would ever love me after all I have done. But despite everything you have always been there, by my side, and I have loved every minute of it,”

“I finally realized the truth, that this life is not worth living without you in it. Words will never be enough, can never express it fully, how truly, deeply, madly in love with you I am, as I will always be. And there is not a single thing I would not do in this moment, for the rest of time, for you, if it would mean I could have the honor to call you mine.”

Veth giggled, “That’s very poetic of you, Caleb.”

“Really?” He laughed, “I always thought I go a little too far overboard. Was that too much?”

“That was perfect.”

“Ah…good. I wouldn’t give you any less. After all, you deserve the best and I would do anything to give it to you and if you were to realize you wanted something else or someone else than I would…I would-“

“Caleb…” Veth whispers.

“I would hate it,” He breathes, “If you were to love someone else, if you were to leave, I don’t think I could bear it.”

“Well I’m not…”

“No, you’re not(t).”

Veth laughs, “Ha ha very funny. Intelligent, funny, and mysterious? Listen up folks, he’s got it all!”

“All thanks to you.”

“No, I was here to support you it’s true, but who you are today, the person you have become who can stand before me and be this brave, that’s all you. And I’m so proud of the person you are today, and I look forward to seeing who you will become in the future. I’ll be watching, right here by your side.”

Caleb chuckles wistfully, “I would hardly call myself brave, Veth, and even if I am, it’s only when I know you are close, the only time I can be brave is when I am with you, and even then, _especially then,_ I’m terrified that I will do or say something wrong.”

“I think you’re doing great.”

“And I think you’re biased.”

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t make it any less true.”

Caleb lets out a sigh of what surely must be relief, all the tension leaving his body. “You are too much for me, Veth Brenatto.”

“I know, it’s why you love me.”

“I do,” he whispers, “I really do.”

He pauses then, eyes shifting from her own then lower before he moves impossibly closer, he voice coming out steadier than Veth knows hers ever could be in this very moment, “Veth, would it be alright if I kiss you?”

Despite her best efforts, Veth can feel the tears filling up the corners of her eyes, “ _Please._ ”

As the space between them disappears, as their lips meet, all Veth can think is _he’s warm_ , as well as _god what I would not give to do this again._

It’s a quick and nervous kiss, but it’s all _them_ , and if Veth was being honest she would expect no less. And as she hesitantly pulls away, resting her head against Caleb’s, she watches as he follows her lips with his own, desperately seeking out one more chaste kiss.

“Sorry,” he breathes, “I just…needed to know it was real.”

“Well rest assured,” she says, leaning forward to kiss him slowly, before ever-so-gracefully giving him a slight headbutt, “I am _very_ real.”

They both laugh at that, and in this instant, despite all the terrors of the outside world and everything that they will surely have to face tomorrow, in this moment all they know is peace and the warmth that comes from being at each other’s side, for now…and for forever.

* * *

Hours later, the two lovers would find themselves dancing slowly in the tower’s library, the soft, warm light of Caleb’s globules serving as the only thing to illuminate the cozy space besides the fading embers of the fireplace, the logs within crackling softly in the late hours of the night.

The sound of a light violin can be heard, and when Veth had joked that they would have to tip the cat musician well for all her efforts, Caleb had laughed, and assured her that he would make certain that Eleanor, as she was so eloquently named, would be greatly rewarded for supporting their late night endeavors.

For the first time in a while, everything was calm, and the only thought that took up space in Veth’s mind in this instant was that, yes, tomorrow everything could change, as it surely would, and the two of them would have a lot of explaining to do and many hard conversations will have to be had, but in this moment, at least for now, Veth can honestly say that she has finally allowed herself to seize her chance to be truly happy.

And every time Veth looks up at Caleb, the two swaying softly to the music, with Caleb looking at her with nothing but love and joy in his eyes, she can’t help but smile and think to herself, _so this is what happiness feels like,_ as Veth leans forward to rest her head on Caleb’s chest once more…

**_VETH, IT’S JESTER! I’M WITH THE OTHERS! ARE YOU TWO ALIVE?! ARE YOU MAKING OUT OR DEAD?! YOU MISSED THE BALL! CAN WE COME IN?!_ **

_Yeah…she could get used to this._


End file.
